


Santa's Got a Mullet

by seven league boots (memphis)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (shhhh my bridge now), Adopted Siblings Keith & Shiro, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Barista Adam, Coffee Shops, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Established Relationship, Grad Student Hunk, Grad Student Lance, Grad Student Shiro, Half-Jewish Keith (Voltron), Lactose Intolerant Keith (Voltron), M/M, Mall Santa Claus, Mullet Santa, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Grad Keith, Santa Coran, Uncle Kolivan and Lance are Bros, keith's dad married shiro's mom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 09:51:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17020416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memphis/pseuds/seven%20league%20boots
Summary: Lance tries to help cure his boyfriend of the holiday blues, little does he know Keith's already living in a Hallmark movie. He's got to save Christmas, which apparently means getting his brother a date with a cute barista, and hopefully an elf costume that fits. And if he's got to harness the power of a Mall Santa to do so? Well, he's gonna do what needs to be done. (aka this is 100% holiday fluff, enjoy!)





	Santa's Got a Mullet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [invisiblink](https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisiblink/gifts).



> Happy Not-So-Secret Shiroflake to [invisiblink](http://invisiblink.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> This is pure fluff. Enjoy.

 

"All-right," Lance says, taking a candy cane out of his mouth and licking his peppermint-coated lips. "Let's hear it."

Pidge frowns. " _No_ ," she shakes her head, jingling the bells on her hat.

"Then I will have to speak to your _manager!_ " Lance says, raising his voice. Keith puts his hand on his forehead, rubbing his temples.

"Ignore him, you don't have to–" Keith starts.

"Is there a problem, Pidge–oh what the quiznak?" Allura says, narrowing her eyes on the two of them. "Aren't you two a little _old_ for Santa?"

"That's what I was saying!" Pidge says, pointing at Lance and Keith at the entrance to the Arus Mall's Santa Village Spectacular. "I'm not doing it, Allura. I bet it's a weird sex thing or a prank or–"

"Hey! It's not a prank or a weird sex thing and we're not _that_ old!" Lance protests. "We are patrons of this fine mall-stablishment. We demand our Christmas cheer and photos with Santa."

"Seriously, what's the game here? Are you filming some kind of Youtube prank? Where's Hunk?" Allura asks, crossing her arms over her chest, mirroring Pidge's closed-off stance.

"He's still in the last-minute study grind for his finals, I finished early," Lance sucks his candy cane. "We are here because Keith needs a dose of vitamin Christmas cheer. It's the only cure for the _Scrinch_."

"Scrinch?" Allura asks.

"Half Scrooge, half Grinch. Lance came up with the term," Keith sighs. "Apparently I'm broken and I can't find my Christmas cheer?" he says with a shrug. "I mean, I'm not like, hoarding toys or money or whatever."

"I've watched every Christmas movie, played every jolly song, even marathoned those really bad Hallmark movies with him, and not a single twinkle of holiday spirit!" Lance says, gesturing wildly. "But! I'm not giving up! We're going to cure this case of the Scrinch, mark my words!"

"Your words have been marked. Go home and hump a tree."

"Pidge!" Allura snaps. "Okay, can you promise me you won't make any rude gestures in your photos with Santa, or pull his beard off and scar any children for life–also if I see ONE hidden camera I am banning you both forever, okay?"

"We Christmas-swear on Rudolph's nose," Lance says, and tugs on his boyfriend's hand. "Keith?"

Keith sighs, hanging his head "I also the thing Lance said that I'm not repeating," he turns to give Lance a quizzical look. "Rudolph's _nose?_ "

"What? It's red. Your favorite color is red."

Keith looks up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath to center himself.

"I love him. I really, _really_ love him. I chased him down across the entire campus when he dropped his pencil in the hallway, and I enrolled in a seminar on John Rawls just so I could stare at the back of his head while being bored to death. I love him," Keith says aloud as Pidge leads them through a candy cane and snowflake decorated village.

"I was just as bored. The man has some great ideas on what it takes to build a true liberal democracy, but does he have to write them down like stereo instructions?" Lance looks at Keith and kisses the back of his hand. "Only reason I didn't drop that class after the first day was because of the cute mullet kid who gave me a blue pencil he thought was mine."

"That wasn't your pencil?"

"Nah, but you were panting and your cheeks were red and you looked so determined to give it to me," Lance grins.

"Our entire relationship was built on lies, I pretended to give a damn about poly-sci. You lied and took some poor kid's pencil that I rescued."

"Which I still have, by the way."

Keith sighs, squeezing Lance's hands harder. "How'd I get someone so sweet and sentimental to go out with a grumpy Scringe like me?"

"Scrinch, and you've got that backwards, mi corazón. How did a sentimental, clingy sap like me luck out with a sharp, charming and fiercely independent hottie like you?"

"Lance," Keith's breath hitches as he looks up at him and–

"Oh H-E-double hockey sticks. _No._ " A familiar voice interrupts.

Keith turns to face Matt Holt, dressed in the same elf outfit as his sister is. Green velvet fabric, pointy hat, red shoes, jingle bells hanging off the points. And fake elf ears to match.

"Your problem now…" Pidge murmurs to her brother and slinks away behind a sparkling styrofoam snowbank.

"Aren't you two a little big for Santa's lap?" Matt says, crossing his arms.

"That's what Mrs. Claus said," Lance replies and Keith sputters. "Sorry! I had to! He gave me the _best_ opening!"

"... That's how he likes it," Matt answers reflexively. "Augh, jingle balls, dingle-dang it, Lance! I can't swear here!"

Keith cocks his head. "Sooo… Matt dressed as an elf is supposed to give me Christmas cheer?"

"Not exactly. Remember when Shiro told you he got a part time holiday gig?" Lance grins.

"Yeah… he said he's doing something for internship credit for his early childhood education classes–oh no. Lance, he's _not_?" Keith makes a gesture towards his chin, like he's stroking an imaginary beard.

"No, it's even better. Hunk and I saw him here last weekend. So come through, Matthew. We want the full elf package. A visit to Santa with _all_ the trimmings."

"Uhhh…" Matt stalls, looking behind some of the tinsel-covered props. "He might be on a break… Come back at two?"

"Where _is_ he, Matt?" Lance asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

"All-right!" As if on cue, Shiro throws open a set of wooden doors and beams brightly at the three of them. "Who's ready to meet Santaaaaugh!" he punctuates with a shout, trying to back away from them only to knock himself back against the closed doors and cause a lump of iridescent tinsel to drop on his head.

"Oh my _Santa_. Did they seriously not have your size in elf costumes, or are you wearing it that tight on purpose?" Lance grins as Keith's jaw drops at the sight of his brother. Keith has to clap his hand over his mouth to try to muffle the laughter that starts bubbling up.

Shiro self-consciously pulls down the hem of his skin-tight elf uniform shirt. "It's the biggest they had… Wait. What the heck are you doing here? Aren't you two a little big for Santa?"

"Aren't you?" Lance raises his eyebrow suggestively. Keith makes a choked sound and bites down on his fist.

"Christ," Shiro pinches the bridge of his nose. "Just let it out, Keith."

"... Pull down your shirt, we can see your jingle balls…" Keith says as he, Lance, and Matt lose it in a fit of laughter.

Shiro crosses his arms. "Okay, okay fine. Laugh it up. I'm getting 40 hours of work-study credit for this. 40 hours…" he murmurs to himself.

"Heh, you both do that, y'know?" Lance adds as they all start calming down.

"Seriously, what is this?" Shiro asks and then pauses, looking at his watch. "Um, never mind, Matt, can you?"

"Oh come on! Can't you wait like five minutes––guess not," Matt sighs as they watch Shiro disappear behind a door marked 'Elves Only'.

"What's going on?" Keith asks.

Matt shrugs, "Oh, you know, your brother's just pining over the _cutie_ guy _,_ and he figured out that he eats lunch at the food court every day at two in the afternoon. Not that Shiro's a crazy stalker who should just cowboy the _fudge_ up and ask him out!" Matt shouts that last part behind his back, presumably loud enough for Shiro to hear. "But allow him this much, the poor dude's suffering. I'll go prep Santa, give me like five minutes, we'll make sure no kids are gonna be scarred for life..." Matt walks into the main area.

"He's pining after a guy? Interesting…" Lance looks at Keith who grins back him.

"I'm pretty sure I owe him some teasing for the amount of shit he gave me before I got the nerve to ask you out. If you'll pardon me," Keith steps toward the employee doorway.

"Is it locked?"

Keith gently turns the handle and puts a finger to his lips as they creep behind the wooden set pieces toward the figure in green leaning over the balcony, chin resting on his hand. They silently sneak up behind him.

"Okay, where is he!?" Lance claps his hands together and Shiro yelps in surprise, then shushes them.

"Seriously?! Can't I just have five minutes?" he pleads.

"After all the crap you gave me? Nope, so who is it?" Keith walks over to the railing Shiro is leaning against. The backstage of the Santa Village is on the second floor of the mall, overlooking the food court below. There's a few singles sitting at the tables eating or chatting on phones or reading. No one that seems Shiro's type at first glance.

"I have no idea what you're talking ab–"

"Ooh, is it red baseball cap?" Lance asks, leaning against the railing and squinting down.

"Newspaper dude with the khaki pants?" Keith asks as he scans the crowd.

"Puffy coat dude? Ugly Macross haircut guy?"

Shiro buries his face in his hands. "Lance please, and I'm not telling you even if–

Keith snaps his fingers. "It's glasses with the book and the sandwich," Keith looks at Shiro for confirmation as he refuses to make eye contact.

"Nooo…"

"He just licked his thumb to turn a page," Keith says with a knowing smile and Shiro shoves him away.

"Move!" Shiro hangs his head. "That was a trick. I hate you."

"I learned it from you," Keith says and Shiro gives him a _look_.

"Remind me how long you thought Lance's name was _Taylor_ , again?"

"Irrelevant and old news. What's his name? Does he work here? Is he nice? When are you bringing him over for dinner so I can tell him how you convinced me that I was really an alien so I'd sit on the roof every night flashing Morse code at the sky?"

"What?" Lance looks at Shiro and then back to Keith.

"He told me if I didn't they'd come back to abduct me and I'd have to paint myself purple to fit in or I'd get experimented on," Keith says. "Dad and Emi grounded him for like a month because I nearly fell off and broke one of the shingles."

Lance shakes his head and tsks. "And you want to be a _kindergarten_ teacher?"

"I think we're missing the bigger picture here. Not only did Keith believed in _aliens_ , but also that they would know U.S. Morse code. Also Keith started it when he cut nipple holes in all of my shirts after he watched _Mean Girls_."

"You let me–!"

"Hey, Shirogane-Kogane family feud! Wrap it up!" Matt shouts. "Santa's ready for you!"

Keith whines in the back of his throat. "Lance, c'mon this is silly," he tugs at his boyfriend's jacket sleeve.

"Indulge me, please? It'll be fun! I promise!" Lance smiles, then his eyes dart to Shiro. "Right? Your baby brother is gonna have fun and we'll meet Santa and act silly and take pictures? And maybe regain a little bit of holiday cheer?"

Shiro blinks, taking in all the unsaid things Lance is implying. "Of course he is," Shiro takes a deep breath and puts on a real smile. "Follow me!" he says as enthusiastically as he can, leading Keith and Lance out of the employee back room and into the main staging area.

Through the wooden doors they go, and are greeted by a familiar, cheery sound.

"Hew Hew Hew! Welcome to Santa's workshop!" Coran beams from beneath the long white beard. Keith cocks his head, he must have dyed his mustache white, it's still orange at the corners.

Shiro clears his throat.

"Ah, yes, pardon that. Ho Ho Ho?" Shiro nods. "Ho Ho Ho!" Coran tries again through his thick accent. "Come sit on Santa's lap, my lads!"

Keith looks at Lance anxiously, then back to Coran.

On the one hand, Lance won't make him go through with this if he really puts his foot down.

On the other hand, Coran's heart is made of pure good intentions, and Allura would probably skin him alive if he insulted her godfather by refusing.

"C'mon, it'll be funny. We'll put the photos up online and everyone will have a ball!" Lance encourages as Keith slowly trudges forward.

Keith gingerly sits on one of Coran's knees, and Lance practically jumps onto the other, already posing for Matt at the camera stand.

"Oof!" Coran wheezes. "My, you two might be a big big for Santa!"

"That's what they tell us," Keith says between clenched teeth as he crosses his arms self-consciously. "Sorry, Coran," he whispers, "it was Lance's idea."

"Not to worry! I'm tougher than Blitzen and Vixen put together," Coran drops to a whisper, tugging his beard down slightly. "Did they tell you it was me?"

"Uhh, yeah," Keith lies.

Coran laughs and re-adjusts his beard as Lance keeps going through a myriad of poses, switching his legs around and giving model-faces.

"Now, have you two been good boys this year?"

"I guess?" Keith shrugs.

"Keith's been very good, Santa," Lance says with a wink. "Very, _very_ good."

"Ah, and what about you?" Coran turns to Lance.

"Horribly naughty," Lance says blowing Keith a kiss. Keith rolls his eyes.

"No, he's been great, he's joking," Keith gives him a smile. "Better than I deserve."

"Aww, bae," Lance covers his heart with both hands.

"Well that's excellent! Since you've both been so good, what can Santa get you this year?" Coran asks.

Keith thinks. "I uhh, I dunno. Lance you go first, you know I'm terrible at thinking of what I want. He's always the best at gifts."

Coran's eyes twinkle. "Oh I know, he's been working on your surprise for a–mmph!" Lance yanks his white beard and shushes him.

"Shhh!" Lance says. "Ix-nay on -alking-tay about the ift-gay for eith-Kay!"

Keith raises his eyebrow.

"But isn't it two days from-mmph!" Another beard tug. "Right, so Lance what would you like this year?"

"Your silence, for one," Lance rolls his eyes and starts ticking items off his fingers. "Let's see, good health and happiness for my family and friends, maintaining my GPA, Hunk to pass all his finals with minimal nervous-puking, Keith to find his holiday cheer–or just naked and wrapped in a bow under the tree for me to open," Lance winks and Keith rolls his eyes.

"Classy."

"I try, what else… oh! Something sparkly for Allura, something weird and gadget-y for Pidge, a better haircut for Matt–"

"Hey!"

"Seriously, this is coming from a guy willingly dating a mullet, fix that chop-job," Lance gives Matt a _look_ and Shiro tries to hide a laugh by coughing into his fist. "Oh, and a boyfriend for Shiro because he's got those sad pining eyes and you know I can't tolerate those–see my earlier response about willingly dating a mullet."

"And yet, the moment I ask if you want me to get a haircut?"

"Don't you _dare!_ " Lance gasps, horrified.

"See?" Keith wiggles his mouth back and forth. "Yeah, those are mine too. Especially the one about the boyfriend for my darling brother, Takashi. He deserves it."

Shiro sticks his tongue out at Keith from where he stands next to Matt.

"Oh, the bloke he's been watching every day at two o'clock?" Coran asks. Shiro goes stiff and Keith's fairly certain if he wasn't wearing fake elf ears, they'd be red-tipped. "These set pieces aren't very soundproof, you know," Coran winks.

"Heh. Oh! I want that elf in our picture," Keith smirks, pointing at Shiro. Coran beckons him over.

"Closer, closer Shiro!" Matt says as Lance settles on a pose and the two Shirogane-Kogane siblings glare daggers at each other. "Say, Candy Canes!"

"Candy Canes!" Lance and Coran say as Matt takes the photo.

"Okay, boys, I can't feel my legs, please?"

Keith and Lance hop off quickly.

 

**

 

"So… big secret surprise in two days?" Keith asks as they leave Santa's village. Lance is already uploading all the photos and the bonus selfies he took to every social media platform possible.

"Uhhh…" Lance pauses. "It's not a surprise if I tell you, though?"

Keith slumps his shoulders, _pouting_ at him with all his strength. "Lance, you know I don't really like surprises. I wanna make sure I know what you're getting me into."

Lance nods. "Okay fine, so you know how my family went to Havana for Christmas, and we couldn't join in because of school and work? I just thought it could be an excuse to do something super-romantic and fun.  I got us dinner reservations at that Provençal restaurant you keep making excuses to walk near to read the menu. That way we can have Christmas dinner without having to like, _make_ dinner or clean up! From there, we're taking a carriage ride through the park, with hot cider to drink and a blanket to snuggle under. And it's timed so we end up in the town square in time to watch the fireworks by the big Christmas tree. Then we cab it home, Hunk's gonna have some Coquito and mulled wine for us to drink while we wind down and fall asleep with the yule log going on the TV."

"That sounds…"

"I already went and rented suits for us so you don't have to worry about being under or over-dressed. I've got every detail planned, even down to Romelle dog-sitting for the night."

Keith makes a small sound. "It sounds _perfect_."

"Does it? You don't look like it does."

"I knit you a scarf."

"Really? Oh my gosh that sounds awesome! I'm sure I'll love it! Can I have it before we leave? I wanna wear–"

"I knit you a scarf, and you are basically creating a winter wonderland fantasy for me. I don't deserve you," Keith looks down at the floor. "I don't deserve all this Christmas stuff if I can't even muster a smile at Santa-Coran or Muscle-Elf-Shiro." Keith shuffles over to a bench by the middle of the mall, in front of the indoor fountain and sits with his head in his hands. "I think I really am broken."

Lance sits next to him with a sigh, "I really thought this would help." He puts his arm around Keith's shoulders. "Babe, is something else going on?"

Keith shakes his head no.

"Is it like, the Mom-stuff coming up again?"

Keith shrugs. He'd only just connected with his birth mother, Krolia, the previous year. "Not... really? I mean, you were there with me at Thanksgiving with her family. Things were good! You and Uncle Kolivan were getting along like a house on fire–which I'm gonna say _was_ a little weird–but we're good. She sent me those little chocolate coins last week."

"Heh, you're gonna get so spoiled from now on. Christmas _and_ Hanukkah. I'm jealous."

"Yeah, I mean I'm not sad, I just feel… ambivalent? Neutral?"

"So, is it just me being too much?" Lance bites the inside of his cheek. "I know I can be turned up to 11. I can pull back. We can skip the Christmas fireworks?"

Keith turns his head to look at Lance in the eyes.

"No, that's not it. I'm being too pushy, aren't I? It was the Hallmark movie marathon, wasn't it. I drained all the Christmas energy from you," Lance bites his lower lip.

Keith leans in and rests his head on Lance's shoulder. "No, I just–" he searches for the right words. There really isn't anything there, though.

"I'm… I'm _not_ sad. I'm not, well, I guess I _am_ pretty happy. I've got a lot of great things going on in my life. I've got a wonderful, caring boyfriend–"

"Handsome too."

"Caring, _humble_ , and gorgeous boyfriend. And I love you."

"I love you too," Lance smiles.

"I've got great friends who make my day brighter and bring me up when I feel down. I have _two_ families that accept and love me."

"Three, my family _adores_ you."

"I adore them! And I think the Spanish lessons are helping because I understand them way more now, I'm still working on being able to answer back is all. But that's beside the point… I don't have any reason to feel down, and I don't. I just don't feel that same level of enthusiasm you want me to feel. Maybe that's what's making me seem blue?"

Lance purses his lips. "Damn, it _was_ that Hallmark movie marathon, I know it. I'm setting the bar too high, aren't I? Maybe we tone it down? I could un-deck our halls a bit? Oh! After the date, instead of the Yule Log, we can watch _Die Hard_ to wind down."

" _Die Hard_ is the greatest Christmas movie ever, Lance. I don't understand why you think it's some kind of holiday methadone?"

"All the scenes with Bruce Willis walking around with glass in his feet," Lance shudders. "Ugh, I _can't_."

Keith looks out of the corner of his eye, there's a coffee shop on the other end of the food court. "Wait right here, I'm gonna get us a treat, okay?" he kisses Lance's cheek and pats his thigh before standing up and walking towards _Garrison's Coffee_.

Things really _are_ good. Sure there are still bad days, but not nearly as many as there used to be. He's doing well at work, Lance is doing well in the last year of his grad program. They've been dating since sophomore year of college, and living together for almost five years. And he still wakes up every morning stupidly in love with him.

Keith opens the door and takes in the holiday decor, the smell of peppermint and pine from the tree in the corner. It's midday, not too many customers, so he walks to the counter to order.

The menu is pretty massive for a small shop, and Keith is a little stumped at all the combinations.

"I'll be with you in a minute!" the barista calls with his back to Keith. From the sounds, he must be washing off those tools they used to squish the coffee or press it or whatever.

"Take your time, there's a lot…" Keith trails off with an ambiguous hand-wave at the menu.

"Yeah," a small laugh. "I can help if you want a recommendation?"

"Um, my boyfriend likes those disgusting seasonal things from Starbucks... I like black tea with almond milk. But not Earl Grey, I hate bergamot," Keith scrunches his nose.

The barista turns around. "We make something called a Peppermint Holiday Spice Classic Latte with extra jolly. It tastes like a pinecone threw up a candy cane."

"Gross, make it a double. He'll love it. And a snowman or penguin cookie? Whichever tastes better."

"Cool, so one Holiday nightmare," the barista rings it up, looks at him with an appraising eye, adjusting his glasses. "And... Prince of Wales tea with almond milk. Sugar is on the corner table. $7.50 please."

Keith smiles as he hands him a ten dollar bill, "Wow. No one _ever_ has Prince of Wales, and it's my favorite! Thanks, man."

"I've got a very specific superpower, and I've elected to use it for pure evil, as you can tell," he winks and Keith laughs as take his change, which he puts into the tip jar.

"It works."

"Pure evil, I'm telling you, kid," the barista says as he starts working on Keith's drink order. "It really does… the… body good…"

"Huh?"

"Damn," the barista mumbles. "Sorry, I just–oh damn."

Keith furrows his brow. The barista is staring up and ahead through the window of the cafe with a glassy eyed expression. Keith follows his sight-line. A couple of the elves from the Santa village are walking across the main plaza in front of the coffee shop, and not just any elves.

 _Shiro_.

He's still in uniform, talking with Matt, laughing at some joke or another hard enough that he's leaning back and a sliver of his stomach is exposed by the too-small top he's wearing.

"Fuck, that's just not fair," the barista says and then yelps, realizing he's been pouring boiling water into a cup for Keith's tea and it's spilled over. "Sorry! Sorry, I'll start a new one."

Keith blinks, looking back as the barista fumbles and grabs a new cup.

"Were you–were you looking at one of the elves from the Santa village?"

"No!" the barista squeaks and the empty cup goes flying out of his hand and bounces on the counter in front of Keith as it lands.

Keith looks down at the cup, and back up with an eyebrow raised.

"... Am I that obvious?"

Keith nods.

"Ugh," the barista folds his arms on the counter and buries his face. "It's those stupid costumes! They show everything, and he's got those gorgeous dark brown eyes and he's here every morning with his friend and he orders _my_ exact favorite tea! They're both always joking and they're so funny and I can tell he's smart and sweet and–god damn it he dropped something the other day and bent over to pick it up in those _tights_ and... I had to go into the back and stick my head in cold water."

Keith blinks, turns and looks back at Matt and Shiro, and again to the barista.

"Which one?"

"Huh?"

"Which elf? The one with the brown hair or–"

"Green tea matcha latte with three pumps of vanilla," he lifts up his head, adjusting his glasses.  "Otherwise known as the angel with the scar on his cute nose and the cuter butt, isn't it obvious?"

Keith shudders a little, trying to hold in the fact that that 'cuter butt' has been used on multiple occasions to hold him down and force him to eat sand or Play-Doh or just because Shiro had decided to play 'human furniture'.

"Right, obviously," Keith turns back and finally reads the barista's nametag. He's slowly re-making Keith's order. "So, 'Adam', is it?"

"Yeah?" Adam hands him his drinks and cookie and looks at Keith with a–

Oh no.

Ohhhh nooooo.

Keith knows that expression. It's a lovelorn, hangdog expression he's seen in those Hallmark movies Lance has been marathoning. Someone lost and terribly sick and in _love_.

And he'd seen it on Shiro too, less than an hour ago when they caught him watching the mystery guy taking his break in the food court and sighing.

The one Matt had called… Oh my god. Keith thought Matt said 'cutie guy', but what if he was saying 'cute _tea_ guy'?!

"Did you need something else? Hello?"

Keith snaps back. "Sorry! I just, thanks. Thanks, I gotta… bye!" Keith grabs the drinks and the cookie and dashes out of the shop, his mind moving lightning fast.

Lance is still on the bench by the fountain where he left him. "Lance!" Keith shouts, shoving the coffee and cookie in his hand. "I figured it out!"

"Huh, what's going on?"

"Okay, so! First, this is a 'sorry I'm being a pain and a Scringer or whatever'-gift."

"Scrinch, and oooh, penguin cookie! Thanks babe. What's this?" Lance holds up the cup.

"Some kind of holiday nightmare coffee concoction from _Garrison's_ over there," he gestures back towards the coffee shop. "Oh geez, please don't feel obligated to actually _finish_ that drink," Keith says, watching Lance make a disgusted face at the first sip.

"No, I love it," Lance says with his teeth gritted. "It's so… festive? Yummy," he takes another sip.

"Lance, I give you permission to spit it out."

Lance spits the coffee back into the cup. "Oh thank god, that tastes like someone stuffed a candy cane inside a pinecone and dipped it in eggnog and shoved it up a reindeer's asshole."

Keith laughs. "You really were gonna drink that?"

"For you? I'd drink three. Straight from the asshole. No straw."

"Aww, that's so gross. I love you."

"Love you too," Lance smiles and pats the space next to him. "Now tell me what's got you all hyped up?"

Keith sits down, snagging a wing off the cookie-penguin before Lance eats the whole thing.

"I think uh, I think I figured it out. I'm living in a Hallmark Christmas movie."

"Mmm?"

"Not one where I have to find love, or ice-skate, or turn into a cookie, or save a tree farm, or marry a Prince or–okay back on topic. I'm not having a Christmas magic moment where I find love because, well, I already found love?"

"Awww! That's so sweet!"

"Lance, I'm literally sitting here with my hand on your thigh and you're drinking my backwash tea. I think we're a little beyond 'awww cute'."

"Nope, we're adorable."

"Ugh, you goober. Anyway! I found love, but I think my thing is... I have to help someone _else_ find love!"

"Huh," Lance looks him over. "From Scrinch to Chrupid?"

"Is that–"

"Christmas Cupid, I'm copyrighting that by the way."

Keith rolls his eyes. "So will you help me?"

"Of course! Holiday hijinks are going to ensue, aren't they?"

Keith nods. "I'm so going to need to watch _Die Hard_ at least twice with the amount of Santa-nanigans and hi-jingles we're going to pull."

Lance gasps.  "Babe! You made holiday portmanteaus! They are _terrible_! I'm so proud!"

"Right, so here's the plan…"

 

**

 

Adam is enjoying his cucumber sandwiches and the latest Mary Roach book when the sound of jingle bells interrupts him.

He looks up. He's… surrounded by… elves?

"Can I… help you?"

"Yeah, the big man in the red suit wants a word," one elf with sharp blue eyes and a wicked grin says.

"Guys I'm on my lunch break. I have to be back in 30 minutes. Is this like a Christmas-gram or something? You can just–"

"Oh, tish-tosh. Won't take too long," an elf with long white hair and an English accent promises. "Up we go!"

"C'mon pal, let's go. We have Christmas cheer to spread," a short elf starts tugging him out of his seat and they somehow drag him towards the escalators leading to Santa's village.

 

**

 

Shiro is staring at his watch. It's almost two.

"Just go," Matt sighs, "maybe you'll catch him early, or something?"

"Thanks, Matt!" Shiro says and dashes behind the set. He leans against the balcony.

But he's not there. Maybe he took his break early? Or late? Usually around two he would be either starting or finishing his lunch.

"Ho Ho Ho!" a familiar voice says from behind him. That's… that's not Coran.

Shiro turns and presses his ear to the door to listen to what unfolds.

 

**

 

"And what is your name, young man?"

"Adam," he answers the oddly familiar looking guy in the Santa suit. "Uhh, you wanted to see me?"

"Yes!" the Santa says, loudly. Like, abnormally loud for the fact that they are standing _maybe_ two feet apart. "Adam! Yes you are the ADAM that works at _Garrison's Coffee_ in this very mall, are you not?"

Adam swears he hears a gasp from, somewhere, but ignores it. Everything else is so goddamn weird. "Yeah… is this a prank? I'm not signing off if you're filming this."

"Santa would never prank you! You've been a very good boy this year Adam! Tell Santa what you want!"

Adam grits his teeth. "To leave here very quickly because this is creeping me out?"

"No, that doesn't sound right! Let me find my list!" the Santa turns around to grab something from behind his chair.

"Santa's got a mullet?" Adam whispers to himself.

"Yeah. He makes it work, though," the elf with the smarmy grin says dreamily.

"Aha! Here it is. What ADAM who works at the COFFEE SHOP wants for Christmas!" Santa says, reading from a prop scroll of parchment, still shouting over his shoulder. "Oh dear! It looks like it's blank! You should tell Santa about someone-or some things-you like, so that Santa can figure out your present!"

Adam quirks his head. "I'm not sitting on your lap, dude."

"I'm not letting you," the lanky elf glares at him. "Just play along."

"Fine, if I play along will you let me go back to my lunch break?" They nod. "Okay, I like… matcha tea? I like tea in general, you'd think I'd get sick of it being surrounded by it all day, but I'm not. I like high tea especially, with scones and finger sandwiches. I like vanilla flavored or scented things. I actually love getting those big candles that everyone re-gifts and I use them all the time. I like nature documentaries, science books, and listening to Sufjan Stevens makes me cry. Is that enough?"

"Ohohoho!" Santa laughs, "I must have mis-read the list! There was a very special wish you made!" Santa tuts and lifts the scroll up again. "Adam wants… the phone number of the big elf that can barely squeeze into his uniform and used to trick his little brother into eating cat food–"

Santa pauses at the odd sound that comes from behind a door that Adam finally takes notice of. It says "Elves Only".

"–ahem, like I was saying. An elf who has since made amends, and regularly makes the Nice list every year. An elf that loves matcha green tea and vanilla. An elf that volunteers to read during children's hour at the public library every weekend. An elf that has seen Sufjan Stevens in concert so many times he's lost count. An elf that insists on making sure I—I mean his little brother, gets to put the star on top of the tree every year no matter what. An elf that just wants to meet a nice guy for Christmas, but doesn't realize how much he's got going for him, so he's too shy to give a nice barista that he thinks is cute his number and—Shiro if you can't tell this is you cue by now, I'm sending Allura to come get you."

The Santa changes his voice, and turns to look at the door that carefully clicks open.

Adam's breath catches as the tall, cute elf with the even cuter butt walks out, his face flushing red.

"Uhhh, hi? Adam, is it?"

Adam's face lights up. "Hi," he bites his lip. "Matcha with vanilla?"

"Everyone calls me Shiro," he says. "Do you really cry when you listen to Sufjan?"

Adam nods. "He's amazing. You've seen him in concert?"

Shiro smiles. "I once drove Kei-uhhh, my brother down to Atlanta just to see him because it was his only east coast show. Two days there, two days back right after the concert. I wasn't allowed to ask for a birthday gift for three years. Which works out, I was born on leap day."

Adam laughs. "Still, your brother must love you a lot. Cat food notwithstanding."

"He does, he once staged an elaborate—and really weird—plan to get me to confess to the guy I'd been moping over since I saw him."

Adam shakes his head. "Do you not own a mirror? How in the universe do you think I'd turn down a guy like you?"

"Hey! Hallmark Christmas Special About Elves and Coffee Shop Romance Novel!" Matt shouts. "It's the 23rd of December, we can only hold back the crowd for so long! Can you hit pause on this?"

Adam and Shiro turn back to each other. Adam takes a pen out from his apron, and grabs his hand. "Here's my number. If you lose it, just come by _Garrison's_ whenever you get off. I'm usually closing."

Shiro nods, carefully closing his hand and putting it to his chest. Adam looks at his watch as it goes off. "And that's my lunch, damn!" he dashes away, stops on his heels and rushes back. Leans in to kiss Shiro chastely on the cheek before running towards the exit. "Call me!"

Shiro blinks. "You too!" then smacks his head. "I mean, I will! Oh god, kill me now. What the hell, Keith?!"

Keith flops down on Santa's chair, pulling the beard off and gasping for breath. "Ahh, that's better. And it's 'Santa Keith', to you mister beefy-elf. By the way, you're _welcome_. Merry Christmas."

Shiro bites the inside of his mouth and looks at Lance standing by the camera, holding up a photo he managed to snap of Adam giving Shiro a kiss before he dashed away and grinning. "This was your idea?"

"Nope, all from the man in red," Lance grins.

Shiro looks back to Keith. "Thank you, Keith."

"I'm just glad you're either getting a boyfriend or someone you can drag off to Sufjan that isn't me," Keith shrugs. "Now go put that number in your phone before your big sweaty palms melt it off."

Shiro nods and exits back to the employee area. Matt smirks and gives them a salute. "You have five more minutes before I unleash the floodgates, so you better hope Coran gets suited back up real quick," he ducks back out towards the crowd to soothe them.

"What does he mean by five minutes–oof!" Keith says as Lance lands in his lap and wraps his arms around him.

"Nice job Mullet Santa," he kisses Keith's ear and takes out his phone. "Proud of you. Selfie?"

"I'm not putting that beard back on, it's so sweaty!"

"Fine by me, I like seeing your gorgeous mug," Lance lifts up his phone and poses while Keith sticks out his tongue lewdly. "Oh my god, you perv. I'm making this my lockscreen."

"Heh," Keith chuckles. "So, have I successfully de-Scrinchified myself in your eyes?" he asks, hugging Lance closer.

"Babe, you're the holliest, jolliest of them all," Lance taps his phone. "Okay one more for my parents, let's do a safe-for-work pose, _please?_ "

 

**

 

Christmas Eve, Keith is wearing the suit Lance rented-a dark red dress shirt with a black jacket, topped off with the Santa hat Coran let him snag.

"Lance, I'm ready! Are you–?" Keith pauses. Lance did change, but he's wearing the Hanukkah sweater from Krolia, and his favorite pajama pants. "Did I get the time wrong?"

"Ohhh, shoot!" Lance says, turning to face Keith, he's on his phone. "No, not you, I was talking to Keith. Yeah don't worry about tonight, Romelle. Thanks again for the offer. See you for the New Year's party!"

"What is going on?" Keith asks, walking around to the couch where he sees Kosmo curled up in his usual spot, on top of Lance's feet. "Did Romelle cancel?"

"Uhh, I cancelled her."

Keith raises an eyebrow.

"See… I was thinking about how I said we could tone it down, yeah?"

"Does the restaurant have a dog policy?"

"No… but as it turns out, they deliver," Lance grins. "Also I kind of realized that though I was certainly part of the 'Hallmark Presents: A Boyfriend for a Shy Beefcake Elf'-plan, I didn't get Shiro a gift. So I gave him our carriage ride." Lance holds up his phone and shows Keith a photo of Shiro and Adam smiling as they hold up mugs of cider in the carriage.

"Oh, wow!" Keith laughs, clicking his tongue to get Kosmo to move off of his spot. "So you let me get all fancy for no reason?"

"I know you don't like surprises, but I also had a 50-pound fluff monster pinning me down."

"Pfft, he's 60, and that's standard for his breed."

"I wasn't aware the American Kennel Club was admitting 'Fluff Monster' as a recognized breed,"

Lance pats the now empty space of the couch and Keith sits down. "He's a _Samoyed_ , stop body-shaming my dog, Lance."

Lance scoots over to sit in Keith's lap, wrapping his arms around his shoulder. "Hey," he says.

"Well, hello again?"

"How's that song go? _Santa Baby… something something under the tree, for me? I've been an awful good guy…_ "

"You have been an awful something," Keith kisses his forehead. "Didn't we do this already?"

"Yeah but you didn't ask me what I wanted as my Christmas present from _you_ ," Lance smiles, "Santa Mullet."

Keith rolls his eyes. "Okay, what do you want for Christmas?"

"Well… first I want to get in my comfy PJs."

"Which you already have done."

"Okay, then maybe drink some of the almond milk Coquito Hunk made."

"... Ooh, so it's safe for any lactose-intolerant people you might know?" Keith smiles. "Sounds good."

"And watch a classic Christmas movie," Lance says as he reaches over to the table, grabbing the remote and turning on the television. _Die Hard_ is queued up and ready to play. "Yippee-kay-I promise not to gag during the feet glass?"

"Hmmm, you're gonna do all this by yourself? Or maybe with someone special? A boyfriend? Someone who will tell you when to close your eyes so you don't see any foot-glass scenes that make you uncomfortable?"

Lance pauses, "No, I'd rather do that... with my _fiancé_."

Keith freezes.

"And I would have one already, but when I asked his Mom for her blessing over Thanksgiving, she wanted me to wait for her to send me over a set of rings from her grandparents. She even got them re-sized for us. I just got the email that they'll be here by the 27th."

Keith presses his mouth shut tight, trying not to let a sound out.

"So then, I was planning a big romantic night out, so I could propose during the fireworks by the Christmas tree—but our plans changed. Which is probably for the best. He doesn't like big surprises like that. So I'm gonna make sure he knows it's coming, and when we have our New Year's Eve party with all our friends, I'll do it there. Because he knows I like attention and making people think I'm a big cheesy romantic when really I'm just as happy with a night in watching movies and letting his ginormous fluff monster dog fall asleep on my feet."

Keith slowly smiles, tightening his grip around Lance.

"So what do you think? Have I been good enough this year?"

Keith nods.

"Well, okay! But if all that's not possible, then I'll just take my boyfriend wearing nothing but a big red bow naked underneath my Christmas tree."

"... And by Christmas tree you mean your dick."

"I mean my dick, yes."

Keith nods his head, thinking it over. "I don't know if you can get your boyfriend to do _that_."

"Aw–"

"Your fiancé, on the other hand…"

Lance smiles.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

>  **Soundtrack:**  
>   
> 
> The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)  
> The Matches - December is for Cynics  
> Viva Maxitone - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch  
> Sufjan Stevens - Come On! Let's Boogey To The Elf Dance!  
> Pinkston - Father Christmas  
> Punchline - Icicles  
> Saosin - Mookie's Last Christmas  
> Fall Out Boy - Yule Shoot Your Eye Out  
> Badly Drawn Boy - Donna & Blitzen  
> Pansy Division - Homo Christmas  
> Something Corporate - Forget December  
> Rilo Kiley - Xmas Cake  
> Blink-182 - I Won't Be Home for Christmas  
> Eels - Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas  
> Jimmy Eat World - Last Christmas  
> Nerf Herder - Santa's Got A Mullet  
> Bright Eyes - Blue Christmas  
> Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby  
> The Long Winters - Christmas With You Is the Best
> 
>  
> 
> [Partial Playlist on Spotify (sorry not everything is there)](https://open.spotify.com/user/thatironstring/playlist/3O0037wMf2cxMgNSYny8xj?si=e1FMKtFJSGGL1WOJbnvMBw)  
> [Link to Santa's Got A Mullet bc this song is REAL](https://youtu.be/aTPnLhRLBtM)


End file.
